I know I promised I would provide more regular updates, but, as usual, life intercedes. I'm really enjoying working on LIFE LINE, the fictionalized version of my main post-divorce relationship that came to an abrupt and incredibly painful end last October. It's really humming along, and I'm loathe to pull away from it to blog here about my current relationship (which is better in almost all respects than the one that ended, as good as that was. So for that small mercy I'm grateful, though I would say I'm still emotionally scarred from the experience).
Anyway, this is my way of saying this is the only update for a couple of days. I'll try to get some pics up of our vacation to Key West soon, but I'm not going to promise a deadline since I'll more than likely miss it!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Next book...?
Turning in THE COMMANDING STONE fulfills my three-novel contract with HarperCollins. Well, technically it's not fulfilled until my editor reads and is happy with the manuscript, no matter how many edits from me that takes. Once she's happy with it -- called "delivery and acceptance" -- I get paid the final portion of my advance (yay!) and the book goes into the pre-publication process.
Right now, however, I'm done with the book until Diana, my editor, gets back to me with whatever changes she would like.
So what's next?
A couple of things.
Once the book is accepted, I'll need to talk to my agent about what my next proposal will look like. There's one more book to finish out the series, so that's a given. But if they want a three-book deal like the last time, what are the other two?
I have a proposal for another novel set in the same universe as my other fantasy novels but with a totally separate group of characters. It tangentially relates to THE AMBER WIZARD, but just barely. It's a cool idea and I already have the first and last line of the book completed!
I have a young adult novel called FOREVERNESS (if you're up for it, you can read the entire manuscript here) with my agent that I'd like to package in as part of a multi-book proposal. It's my favorite book of all that I've written so far. I also have a sort of weird supernatural/horror story about what really happened when Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden!
At the moment I'm working on a mainstream novel called LIFE LINE. I'm about 45 pages into it and enjoying it immensely. No outline for this one, just pages of notes. I'm flying by the seat of my pants on this one, though I again have the very last line all done. It's based very loosely on the relationship I was in last year that crashed and burned in October. I have no feel for it at all right now and can't tell if it will even be publishable, but it's one of those books I need to write.
So for I'm going to keep plugging away at LIFE LINE and wait for my editor to get back to me with changes for THE COMMANDING STONE.
Right now, however, I'm done with the book until Diana, my editor, gets back to me with whatever changes she would like.
So what's next?
A couple of things.
Once the book is accepted, I'll need to talk to my agent about what my next proposal will look like. There's one more book to finish out the series, so that's a given. But if they want a three-book deal like the last time, what are the other two?
I have a proposal for another novel set in the same universe as my other fantasy novels but with a totally separate group of characters. It tangentially relates to THE AMBER WIZARD, but just barely. It's a cool idea and I already have the first and last line of the book completed!
I have a young adult novel called FOREVERNESS (if you're up for it, you can read the entire manuscript here) with my agent that I'd like to package in as part of a multi-book proposal. It's my favorite book of all that I've written so far. I also have a sort of weird supernatural/horror story about what really happened when Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden!
At the moment I'm working on a mainstream novel called LIFE LINE. I'm about 45 pages into it and enjoying it immensely. No outline for this one, just pages of notes. I'm flying by the seat of my pants on this one, though I again have the very last line all done. It's based very loosely on the relationship I was in last year that crashed and burned in October. I have no feel for it at all right now and can't tell if it will even be publishable, but it's one of those books I need to write.
So for I'm going to keep plugging away at LIFE LINE and wait for my editor to get back to me with changes for THE COMMANDING STONE.
The 411 on THE COMMANDING STONE
The third book in the series is done and with my editor. I sent it to my wonderful agent Matt Bialer first, who (to my complete surprise) suggested no changes! He said there were one or two minor things to consider, but he didn't want me to bother with them before sending it to my editor at HarperCollins to get her feedback.
This book was easier to write than the others in a lot of ways. For one thing, I'm more comfortable with the characters. They're like old friends, and it was fun to catch up with them for the third time. I still had to stretch them and make them grow as people, but it's just easier now.
And I'm more comfortable with writing in general. I've toned down some of the descriptions compared to the first two. I'm more at ease in sketching in the world rather than painting everything in excruciating detail. I like this book a lot, and hope my editor does too!
This book was easier to write than the others in a lot of ways. For one thing, I'm more comfortable with the characters. They're like old friends, and it was fun to catch up with them for the third time. I still had to stretch them and make them grow as people, but it's just easier now.
And I'm more comfortable with writing in general. I've toned down some of the descriptions compared to the first two. I'm more at ease in sketching in the world rather than painting everything in excruciating detail. I like this book a lot, and hope my editor does too!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
THE AMBER WIZARD just published in Germany
My first novel has just been published in Germany by a division of Random House. For some reason I just think this is so cool! (Yes, I'm a complete geek about this.)Here's the cover. I have no idea what it's supposed to represent! It looks a little like how I described Castle Ailethon, but since I had nothing to do with the translation or the cover that's only a wild guess.
THE WORDS OF MAKING is due out next April. I have absolutely no idea about this cover! (But I kinda like it!)
Yes, I'm still alive!
I know it's been forever and a day (and then some), since I last updated this sorry little blog! My sincerest apologies! I plan to provide a couple of updates over the next few days. Some will pertain to my writing, others will be of a more personal nature, since I've received feedback that some of you really liked that (or at least liked reading about how my life fell apart for a while after my girlfriend broke up with me last October).
I have no idea if anyone will ever read this since it's been abandoned for so long!
I need to get my son to his first practice for fall baseball. I'll provide at least one more update later tonight.
I have no idea if anyone will ever read this since it's been abandoned for so long!
I need to get my son to his first practice for fall baseball. I'll provide at least one more update later tonight.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Prologue to THE COMMANDING STONE is now online
I just posted the Prologue to Book Three over at my website. For those of you who've slogged through the first two books and want to get a peek at where things are going, head on over and check it out!
Direct link to the page is here.
Direct link to the page is here.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Ballroom dancing
This past Saturday I took a beginners' class in ballroom dancing. The three dances were the Rumba, Foxtrot, and Tango. To my great surprise, I really enjoyed myself! I expected to have fun simply because of the company I was with, but the dancing itself was more enjoyable than I expected it to be. After two and a half hours I was pretty tired, and some of the steps were getting away from me -- I completely forgot the Foxtrot steps during our end-of-session recap! But that is pretty common, from what I gather. I didn't look down at my feet once -- something many of the other men had trouble with -- and only once or twice came close to stepping on my partner's feet. She's much more experienced at this than I am, and seemed pretty pleased by how I did.
Now I'm looking forward to attending an actual dance where we can put these to some use. I liked the Rumba the best, and even went so far as to practice it on my own the following morning, before I blew out my back. (More on that in another post.)
Now I'm looking forward to attending an actual dance where we can put these to some use. I liked the Rumba the best, and even went so far as to practice it on my own the following morning, before I blew out my back. (More on that in another post.)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Flu shot
I got a free flu shot at work yesterday and I'm glad I did, but today I have to admit I'm not feeling so great. I had a mildly scratchy throat last night when I went to bed. Today I'm feeling rather achy in my joints and my skin has that ultra-sensitive feel to it where any pressure at all flirts in that netherland between annoyance and mild pain.
I have no idea if this is related to the flu shot (I threw out my paper that had the list of side effects on it -- Doh!). I know you can't get the flu from the shot itself because the bacteria is dead, but there are some other mild symptoms you can acquire. I would classify my symptoms as "mild" and am certainly glad I got the shot, but I'm so astoundingly busy the next few days that I hope these effects pass soon and don't get any worse.
I do owe a writing update, and some info on how I prepare my novels (by request), but I won't have time to get to that until after Christmas at the earliest. Sorry! Just keep checking back.
I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday.
I have no idea if this is related to the flu shot (I threw out my paper that had the list of side effects on it -- Doh!). I know you can't get the flu from the shot itself because the bacteria is dead, but there are some other mild symptoms you can acquire. I would classify my symptoms as "mild" and am certainly glad I got the shot, but I'm so astoundingly busy the next few days that I hope these effects pass soon and don't get any worse.
I do owe a writing update, and some info on how I prepare my novels (by request), but I won't have time to get to that until after Christmas at the earliest. Sorry! Just keep checking back.
I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Christmas Party
My company's Christmas party was this past Saturday, held at the Radisson Penn Harris Hotel in Camp Hill. A light dinner was followed by a few hours of (fake) gambling. We really had a wonderful time. We played blackjack all night, parlaying our $10,000 voucher into about $18,000 before crashing and burning. John, our very friendly and patient dealer, helped us along since we were complete noobs when it came to gambling.
I got another voucher and we were up to about $20,000 and decided to let it ride for the final bet of the night. And don't you know it, the dealer comes up with blackjack! (Curse you, John!)
I guarantee I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun if it had been my own money....
I got another voucher and we were up to about $20,000 and decided to let it ride for the final bet of the night. And don't you know it, the dealer comes up with blackjack! (Curse you, John!)
I guarantee I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun if it had been my own money....
Sunday, December 02, 2007
The Devil Wears Prada
I read this book because I enjoyed the movie a great deal and simply wanted to see how different the source material was, since I'd read that major changes had occurred between page and screen.
Now, I'm all for screenwriters making changes when adapting a pre-existing work for film. Things have to be changed. I have little tolerance for people who claim changes to plot or character "ruined" a book or movie. For one thing, a film adaptation doesn't change the book at all, so it can't be ruined. I believe it was John Updike who, when someone complained to him about an adaptation of his work "ruining" it, pulled the novel in question from his shelf and said, "It still looks perfectly fine to me."
The more beloved a book, the more shrill the cries of outrage when changes are made. While I have some minor issues myself with changes to THE LORD OF THE RINGS films where I thought the changes served no purpose (which should always be the defining criteria for such alterations -- are they needed in order to better tell the same story in a different medium?), I thought that overall the films were brilliant in both concept and execution. But the fans! Oh my! You would have thought that Peter Jackson had eaten their mothers and fathers for breakfast with all the gnashing of teeth that occurred online.
But I digress. I was talking about THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA.
This is one of those rare instances where the movie adaptation is actually better than the book. More streamlined, better narrative flow, characters who are more real than the rather caricature-like novel counterparts. I was rather stunned by how much better the movie was.
The book is about a recent college graduate, Andrea, who lands a job at a fictional magazine called RUNWAY working for the world's most powerful fashion editor, Miranda Priestly, who is a hateful, condescending, manipulative tyrant. In the book she is caricature, a creature so over the top that it's sometimes difficult to believe in her.
The movie's major coup is making Miranda just as much a tyrant, while also allowing us to catch glimpses of her as a human being. I was waiting for some of those moments to appear in the novel, but they never did. They were inventions of the screenwriter, Aline Brosh McKenna, and I applaud her decisions.
Perhaps those who read and enjoyed the novel first prefer it to the movie (that's often the case). But I truly do feel in this instance that the adaptation was more than a simple translations from one medium to another -- it transcended its source material, which, as I said earlier, is a rare thing, and one to be commended when it happens.
Now, I'm all for screenwriters making changes when adapting a pre-existing work for film. Things have to be changed. I have little tolerance for people who claim changes to plot or character "ruined" a book or movie. For one thing, a film adaptation doesn't change the book at all, so it can't be ruined. I believe it was John Updike who, when someone complained to him about an adaptation of his work "ruining" it, pulled the novel in question from his shelf and said, "It still looks perfectly fine to me."
The more beloved a book, the more shrill the cries of outrage when changes are made. While I have some minor issues myself with changes to THE LORD OF THE RINGS films where I thought the changes served no purpose (which should always be the defining criteria for such alterations -- are they needed in order to better tell the same story in a different medium?), I thought that overall the films were brilliant in both concept and execution. But the fans! Oh my! You would have thought that Peter Jackson had eaten their mothers and fathers for breakfast with all the gnashing of teeth that occurred online.
But I digress. I was talking about THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA.
This is one of those rare instances where the movie adaptation is actually better than the book. More streamlined, better narrative flow, characters who are more real than the rather caricature-like novel counterparts. I was rather stunned by how much better the movie was.
The book is about a recent college graduate, Andrea, who lands a job at a fictional magazine called RUNWAY working for the world's most powerful fashion editor, Miranda Priestly, who is a hateful, condescending, manipulative tyrant. In the book she is caricature, a creature so over the top that it's sometimes difficult to believe in her.
The movie's major coup is making Miranda just as much a tyrant, while also allowing us to catch glimpses of her as a human being. I was waiting for some of those moments to appear in the novel, but they never did. They were inventions of the screenwriter, Aline Brosh McKenna, and I applaud her decisions.
Perhaps those who read and enjoyed the novel first prefer it to the movie (that's often the case). But I truly do feel in this instance that the adaptation was more than a simple translations from one medium to another -- it transcended its source material, which, as I said earlier, is a rare thing, and one to be commended when it happens.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Some recent books I've read
I'm not going to do formal book reviews here. I simply don't have the time, and there are plenty of other websites and blogs that offer nothing but reviews that are far better than what I could write.By "formal review," I mean an analysis of themes, plot, character arcs, where the book may lie in comparison to others in the genre, etc. etc. I was done with those kinds of reviews/reports when I got out of college. I enjoy reading them, but I'm no longer interested in writing them. And as I said, I really don't have the time.
I did have a "What I'm Reading" section on my website, but the blog is easier to update so I think I'll just migrate that here.
I've read a ton of books since I last updated my website, but one of the more recent books I read was THE ROAD, by Cormack McCarthy. This is a devastating novel, a tale of an unnamed father and son who live on a dying Earth and are simply trying to survive the aftermath of an unknown cataclysm. The world is cold, ashen, gray; literally a corpse across which the father and son journey on their way to the coast. They have no idea what they will find there, no real hope, but the coast is a destination, a goal, and so they flee cold and death for what they hope is something better.
The son is the moral compass for them both, reassuring his father -- and in turn asking for reassurance from the older man -- that they are the "good guys" in a world where men murder others to eat them because there is no food, no power, no civilization.
This is a grim, haunting book. It stayed with me long after I finished it. Recommended.
More later....
Friday, November 16, 2007
Work on THE COMMANDING STONE
Since this blog was originally started to chart the progress of my novels, I'll get back to that for a bit.
Book three is called THE COMMANDING STONE, and I'm presently a little more than halfway through the first draft. I'm hoping to have it completed early next year, with an anticipated publication date in very early 2009. I will be posting the prologue and perhaps chapter one before the end of this year, assuming I can find time to polish them enough to show them to the world. Right now they're in pretty rough form and I'd rather keep the momentum going with the narrative than go back and revise, but we'll see what my schedule permits.
As a reminder for anyone near Bloomsburg, tomorrow I'm holding a book signing at the Cloak and Dragon bookstore downtown from 1 -3 pm. If you're around, please stop by!
Book three is called THE COMMANDING STONE, and I'm presently a little more than halfway through the first draft. I'm hoping to have it completed early next year, with an anticipated publication date in very early 2009. I will be posting the prologue and perhaps chapter one before the end of this year, assuming I can find time to polish them enough to show them to the world. Right now they're in pretty rough form and I'd rather keep the momentum going with the narrative than go back and revise, but we'll see what my schedule permits.
As a reminder for anyone near Bloomsburg, tomorrow I'm holding a book signing at the Cloak and Dragon bookstore downtown from 1 -3 pm. If you're around, please stop by!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Steelers eek one out over the Browns
It was something of a nail-biter, but the Steelers pulled out a great come-from-behind victory (down 21-6 at halftime) in the second half of their home game against the hated Cleveland Browns. (It wouldn't have been nearly so close if the Steelers kicking unit knew how to, oh, I don't know, tackle the freakin' kick returner! I mean, come on, two touchdowns on kickoff returns!?)
Ben really came through in this game. With a career-long 30-yard touchdown run, and another scramble to gain a first down on third and long, he really showed his mettle as one of the premier quarterbacks in the league.
What matters in the end is the final score. But Tomlin's got some work to do with special teams. You just can't have gaffes like that in the NFL and keep winning.
Ben really came through in this game. With a career-long 30-yard touchdown run, and another scramble to gain a first down on third and long, he really showed his mettle as one of the premier quarterbacks in the league.
What matters in the end is the final score. But Tomlin's got some work to do with special teams. You just can't have gaffes like that in the NFL and keep winning.
"Please don't respond"
Those were her last words to me in an email I received a few days ago. "Please don't respond." I had sent an email asking if I had ever made her truly happy -- there were reasons for that question that I don't feel like getting into here. She finally broke down and replied. She told me that yes, I had made her happy, very happy, and that she would regret breaking up with me and miss me for a long time, but that this was something she had to do. The other guy is the one for her, and she has to try to make that work and move on.
"Please don't respond."
So it ends. The woman who had been my best friend, my girlfriend, my confidante. Someone I talked to several times a day, who couldn't wait to see me when we were apart. It all comes down to this.
"Please don't respond."
I think this will be my last post on this sad, sorry subject (and I'm sure a lot of you must be cheering about that!). I've never really felt compelled to write about anything the way I am about this topic. This outlet has certainly helped me in some ways. I just wish I could see where I'm going to go from here, because right now, the road is very dark indeed.
"Please don't respond."
So it ends. The woman who had been my best friend, my girlfriend, my confidante. Someone I talked to several times a day, who couldn't wait to see me when we were apart. It all comes down to this.
"Please don't respond."
I think this will be my last post on this sad, sorry subject (and I'm sure a lot of you must be cheering about that!). I've never really felt compelled to write about anything the way I am about this topic. This outlet has certainly helped me in some ways. I just wish I could see where I'm going to go from here, because right now, the road is very dark indeed.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Steelers - Ravens
My team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, routed the hated Ravens in a 38-7 stomping in Pittsburgh last night. Big Ben threw five touchdown passes in the first half alone! Unfortunately, Ben was injured on a seemingly innocuous hit late in the third quarter by Terrell Suggs. Ben looked pretty shaken up at the time, but came back into the game in the fourth quarter, so it appears all is well.
All in all, a very satisfying Monday night game!
All in all, a very satisfying Monday night game!
Bee Movie
I took my son to see "Bee Movie" last night. It started off rather slow and unfunny, but built nicely toward a fun and rewarding ending. It wasn't the laugh-out-loud movie I expected, but definitely worth a look.
I'm sure the handful of readers I have here are sick to death of me whining about my recent personal issues. I think I would be sick of it too if I were you. But you need to understand that I'm finding it tremendously helpful to write about what's happening. If you'd rather not read anymore about it, you should probably stop here.
On our way to the movie, my son asked me out of the blue, "Is Miss ---- still our friend?"
His question caught me completely off guard. I took a moment to compose myself, then said, "Well, not really anymore."
He asked why not? Why couldn't she just marry this other guy and be friends with us too? I tried to explain that she still liked us, but that it was hard for her to try to be friends with me and be with someone else. I also made it clear that she liked him -- my son -- very much and had told me to tell him she was sorry about what happened.
He said he missed her, then asked me if I missed her too. I told him yes, very much. He said he felt like crying, and wanted to know if I was sad. Again, I told him yes. We were at the movies by now and when I got out of the car I gave him a huge hug.
At lunch time today I'm going to buy some Unisom and see if that helps with my sleep. Last night I was up again at 4:00; the night before it was 1:30. I was hoping I could just "work through" this sleep problem (whatever the hell that really means) without resorting to medication, but apparently not.
I'm sure the handful of readers I have here are sick to death of me whining about my recent personal issues. I think I would be sick of it too if I were you. But you need to understand that I'm finding it tremendously helpful to write about what's happening. If you'd rather not read anymore about it, you should probably stop here.
On our way to the movie, my son asked me out of the blue, "Is Miss ---- still our friend?"
His question caught me completely off guard. I took a moment to compose myself, then said, "Well, not really anymore."
He asked why not? Why couldn't she just marry this other guy and be friends with us too? I tried to explain that she still liked us, but that it was hard for her to try to be friends with me and be with someone else. I also made it clear that she liked him -- my son -- very much and had told me to tell him she was sorry about what happened.
He said he missed her, then asked me if I missed her too. I told him yes, very much. He said he felt like crying, and wanted to know if I was sad. Again, I told him yes. We were at the movies by now and when I got out of the car I gave him a huge hug.
At lunch time today I'm going to buy some Unisom and see if that helps with my sleep. Last night I was up again at 4:00; the night before it was 1:30. I was hoping I could just "work through" this sleep problem (whatever the hell that really means) without resorting to medication, but apparently not.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
First date
I had my first new date tonight in more than a year, and it was a complete disaster. Not in some burn-down-the-house, run-screaming-for-the-hills kind of way, but it was still pretty awful. No chemistry, no interest from either of us, awkward silences, and a desire from both of us to just end it and move on. It barely lasted an hour before we were out the door. (At least the sushi was good.)
I am a complete wreck once again. I don't know how I can handle this. The idea of having to date, of trying to find somewhere out there what I so recently lost, is so disheartening that I just want to give up.
For this first time since the breakup, I hated her. Not for very long -- it was a momentary flash, like a solar flare, that burst into life when I walked back into my dark and empty house -- but for that brief moment I despised her for making me have to go through this. For having to start over; for trying to find her, and what we had, in someone else.
I am a complete wreck once again. I don't know how I can handle this. The idea of having to date, of trying to find somewhere out there what I so recently lost, is so disheartening that I just want to give up.
For this first time since the breakup, I hated her. Not for very long -- it was a momentary flash, like a solar flare, that burst into life when I walked back into my dark and empty house -- but for that brief moment I despised her for making me have to go through this. For having to start over; for trying to find her, and what we had, in someone else.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Book signing schedule updates
The book signing at the Cloak and Dragon in Bloomsburg is scheduled for Saturday, November 17, from 1 to 3. Hope to see you there!
The Cloak and Dragon is located at 12 East Main Street, Bloomsburg, PA 17815.
DATE CHANGE FOR THE WYOMISSING BOOK SIGNING! The Wyomissing book signing has been moved to Saturday, December 8, from 1 to 3.
The Cloak and Dragon is located at 12 East Main Street, Bloomsburg, PA 17815.
DATE CHANGE FOR THE WYOMISSING BOOK SIGNING! The Wyomissing book signing has been moved to Saturday, December 8, from 1 to 3.
Guest blogging at the HarperCollins site
My editor asked me if I was interested in writing several guest blogs for my publisher's site, timed to the release of my second novel. My answer: Of course!
You can read them by following the links below.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
You can read them by following the links below.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Friday, November 02, 2007
Birthday
Two nights ago (Halloween), I went to a costume dinner party with some friends and had a very nice time. I need to get out more. I'm a fairly solitary person (writing has that unfortunate side effect), and for the last year most of my social life revolved around my ex, so when that imploded there was very little left for me to do except rattle around the house by myself, which was not helping my mental state. The food was excellent, the company even better, and I appreciated the opportunity to get out and do something with others.
Yesterday was my birthday. I will admit, it sucked. Not because of my birthday itself -- I'm 42, and quite honestly not bothered by my age in the least -- but because I did not hear from her at all. Part of me did not expect to. She is not terribly sentimental in some ways, and very hard in others, and I realize that it's better for her to just have a clean break and not look back.
But another part of me really wanted her to find a way to wish me a happy birthday in spite of everything. It's not as if I was ever a jerk to her, or I did something awful to cause this breakup. So I pathetically spent the day waiting for a message of some kind that never came. I will admit to a moment of severe weakness in which I emailed her some of my thoughts. I wasn't nasty or snide or accusatory, but I was hurt.
I never heard back from her.
My team at work got me a cake and card and balloon, which was great, and a good friend of mine took me to lunch and did a pretty good job of cheering me up for a while. But when I got home later that night, the weight of this came crashing down on me again. Part of why this is so hard right now is that she was planning on taking today off so we could be together. She had a wonderful birthday present planned for me (no, I'm not going to say what it was), and the idea that she might still be planning to go through with it and give it to her new/old boyfriend instead is just killing me. I had another awful, sleepless night, and I think today I need to pick up some Unisom or some other over-the-counter meds to help out.
I'm going to a Caribbean dinner party on Saturday (same group that went to the Halloween dinner), and I'm looking forward to again getting out for a while.
Yesterday was my birthday. I will admit, it sucked. Not because of my birthday itself -- I'm 42, and quite honestly not bothered by my age in the least -- but because I did not hear from her at all. Part of me did not expect to. She is not terribly sentimental in some ways, and very hard in others, and I realize that it's better for her to just have a clean break and not look back.
But another part of me really wanted her to find a way to wish me a happy birthday in spite of everything. It's not as if I was ever a jerk to her, or I did something awful to cause this breakup. So I pathetically spent the day waiting for a message of some kind that never came. I will admit to a moment of severe weakness in which I emailed her some of my thoughts. I wasn't nasty or snide or accusatory, but I was hurt.
I never heard back from her.
My team at work got me a cake and card and balloon, which was great, and a good friend of mine took me to lunch and did a pretty good job of cheering me up for a while. But when I got home later that night, the weight of this came crashing down on me again. Part of why this is so hard right now is that she was planning on taking today off so we could be together. She had a wonderful birthday present planned for me (no, I'm not going to say what it was), and the idea that she might still be planning to go through with it and give it to her new/old boyfriend instead is just killing me. I had another awful, sleepless night, and I think today I need to pick up some Unisom or some other over-the-counter meds to help out.
I'm going to a Caribbean dinner party on Saturday (same group that went to the Halloween dinner), and I'm looking forward to again getting out for a while.
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