First date

I had my first new date tonight in more than a year, and it was a complete disaster. Not in some burn-down-the-house, run-screaming-for-the-hills kind of way, but it was still pretty awful. No chemistry, no interest from either of us, awkward silences, and a desire from both of us to just end it and move on. It barely lasted an hour before we were out the door. (At least the sushi was good.)

I am a complete wreck once again. I don't know how I can handle this. The idea of having to date, of trying to find somewhere out there what I so recently lost, is so disheartening that I just want to give up.

For this first time since the breakup, I hated her. Not for very long -- it was a momentary flash, like a solar flare, that burst into life when I walked back into my dark and empty house -- but for that brief moment I despised her for making me have to go through this. For having to start over; for trying to find her, and what we had, in someone else.