The fickleness of the human heart

Those of you who read this know I don't write "confessional" blog entries. I started this thing a few years ago to chronicle the life of a newly-contracted writer and the process a book takes from acceptance to publication. I stated up-front that I'm not much of a diarist and that entries would probably be rather sparse. So far I've kept to my word on all counts, though I've occasionally dropped in interesting or funny stories that happened to me along the way, like the footrace with my brother that ended with me a bloody mess (and losing the race to boot -- grrr).

This is going to be a "confessional" entry, so for those of you who disdain this sort of thing, feel free to take a pass.

I've received a couple of notes asking what happened to the "Bloomsburg Fair" entry that I posted last week. (One person warned me that I might have a virus that was "eating" my posts.) Well, that rather prominently mentioned my girlfriend, who was also somewhat visible in the accompanying photo. We've been dating for almost a year, and always had a great time when we were together. We never had a fight or so much as an argument, so this morning I was caught off guard when she decided to break up with me. I quickly removed photos, emails, and other reminders, both in my house and online.

Now I want to state very clearly that I'm not mad at her, I don't hate her, I don't wish her any ill will. I don't see the point in it. A guy she was involved with before she met me started calling her around her birthday (a few weeks ago), and apparently he talks a pretty good game, because she's decided to go back to him. (Either that, or I was really lacking something that she needed.) I was surprised because she'd told me repeatedly that I didn't have to worry about him. She said she felt like she dodged a bullet by breaking up with him when she did, that she realized he was completely wrong for her, etc.

We also had a damn near perfect year. Every time we were together we were amazed at what a great time we had. It didn't matter if we were going to a wine festival, out to dinner, or just hanging out and watching TV. We always had a good time, and both of us commented on that more than once. We were comfortable and relaxed together, never pressured each other about anything, and just seemed to fit.

(I will say that I've always had a little naggling suspicion that I really wasn't attractive enough for her, but that might just be my own insecurities rearing their ugly heads.)

But this is where the fickleness of the heart comes in.

Sometimes you just can't shake someone even when you want to (and I believe she did want to, at least for a while). I've been there and done the exact same thing, so I have no room to be upset with her. After our third date last November I broke up with her over a woman who turned out to be a complete and total psychopath. Fortunately I came to that realization within a couple of days and we were able to patch things up a little later.

I'm a little sad, but I also realize I may have dodged my own bullet, since this other guy obviously wasn't out of her system. I do believe she was telling the truth when she said she was over him. I'm sure that's what she thought. But a simple phone call can wreck the best laid plans and turn everything on its head. It's a shame, but it happens. Sometimes the memory of the heart is stronger than what it holds in the present.

What's really going to suck is telling my son about it. He really liked her a lot, and I know he's going to be upset.

So that's the long-form answer as to why the Bloomsburg Fair entry is no more. It just seemed kind of stupid to leave that out there in light of recent events.

I'm going to publish this as a bit of catharsis, but I may also yank it down in a couple of days. This may be one of those things that I look back on and realize it's a terrible idea.

On a somewhat brighter note, I received my first royalty check today for THE AMBER WIZARD! Woo hoo!